This past week, as bone pain, brain pain and muscle aches raged, I began heading down a slippery slope of discouragement. Its been months since my last set of cancer treatments and I'd hoped for a little relief before the next rounds. Instead, I am barely able to function. And some days, like this one, are exceedingly debilitating.
Why is this happening?
Bone pain. Searing pain. From the ribcage out. From the skull out.
It woke me in the middle of the night, when your mind is groggy and foggy. When your thoughts are scrambled with pain.
Suddenly my life seemed so short. I felt an urgency about how little I'd done for God. I trembled, thinking about God and how fearfully awesome He is and how small and deficient I am. I felt so unworthy.
The darkness closed in on me as I began to wonder: Was this cancer a punishment? Had I not prayed enough? Was this suffering my fault? What if I somehow contributed to my own demise? Would everyone know that? Think that? Make fun of me? And blame me?
These thoughts rushed over me like an avalanche.
Finally, I cried out to God. "Is this all my fault? Why would you be so angry with me?"
Suddenly, it was as though I heard someone whisper these words: "Turn to Jesus."
I pictured Christ hanging on the cross."Father, why have you forsaken me?"
Relief washed over me. I was in good company. I mean, if even Jesus had to wonder...