Showing posts from February, 2017

Part VIII - Where now? What do I do? Where do I turn?

I remember that life felt surreal in the weeks after Jim's death. Then I remember taking nothing for granted, harboring underlying fears that my husband, my daughters, anyone close to me, could suddenly die. It wasn't a good feeling.

And I was sad. Why did  this happen?

I buried the hurt. I didn't know what to do with it. Before Jim died, life seemed effortless. seemed pointless. I felt so empty. I felt so alone.

Nobody seemed to understand.

I went through the motions of life, covering it with bright red lipstick and stylish clothes, but I was dying inside. Although I put a good face on it, everything I once valued...being a stay-at-home mom, having a loving husband, financial security, a comfortable home....didn't buy happiness.

I was drowning in sorrow.

With time, my friends started slipping away. One told me I needed counseling. (I thought she was crazy!) Another said I seemed depressed. (What did she know?) They just didn't understand. This wasn…

Thursday's Thoughts

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face.
Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. 
1Corinthians 13:12

Cancer - The Current Crisis - Got Faith?

This past week, as bone pain, brain pain and muscle aches raged, I began heading down a slippery slope of discouragement. Its been months since my last set of cancer treatments and I'd hoped for a little relief before the next rounds. Instead, I am barely able to function.  And some days, like this one, are exceedingly debilitating.
Why is this happening?

Bone pain. Searing pain. From the ribcage out. From the skull out.

It woke me in the middle of the night, when your mind is groggy and foggy. When your thoughts are scrambled with pain. 

Suddenly my life seemed so short. I felt an urgency about how little I'd done for God. I trembled, thinking about God and how fearfully awesome He is and how small and deficient I am. I felt so unworthy.

The darkness closed in on me as I began to wonder: Was this cancer a punishment? Had I not prayed enough? Was this suffering my fault? What if I somehow contributed to my own demise? Would everyone know that? Think that? Make fun of me?  And bla…

Part VII - Oh, Say, Can You See What's Happening?

With me at his side, my beloved younger brother, at age 33, died of total and sudden kidney failure. For the entire story, you can read Part I here, Part II here, Part III here, Part IV here and Part V here and Part VI here. Don't be afraid, the entries are fairly short, easy reads. Either way, here's a synopsis.

I'm sharing the events of that day because they so clearly illustrate the provision of God. I never want to lose sight of that. And I want you to see it too...not just in these pages but in your own lives as well.

So let's look at the astonishing events that took place that day:
Unannounced, my neighbor knocked on my door that morning, insisting I check on my brother Jim. She didn't want me to wait one more day. When I arrived at Jim's apartment he couldn't move. I wanted to call 911 and he didn't want me to... so I felt immobilized....How in the world did the phone happen to ring when I placed it on the hook?  And it happened to be the visiting …

Thursday's Thoughts

I've been impatient this week, physically struggling to resume life with cancer and the partnering treatments. Amazingly, I flipped to today's page in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young and read these opening statements:
"Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again."
Talk about an attitude adjustment!
It also references the following verse, which I share with you today:

My grace is sufficient for you,
for power is made perfect in weakness. 
2 Corinthians 12:9

Whatever your day holds, have a good one!

Part VI - Picking Up the Pieces

It was long past their bedtime, so the kids were all asleep when Joe and I arrived home from the hospital. Our sitter met us at the door, asking how my brother was doing.
I'll never forget the look on her face as I responded, "He died."

She ushered us into the house, motioned for me to sit on the sofa, and sat beside me, waiting to hear the story of how the events unfolded that afternoon. As I spoke, her face was filled with disbelief, care and concern.

The lights were low. It was late, although not crazy late. It was quiet. I tiptoed into the older girl's rooms and, careful not to wake them, kissed their little heads. Even the newborn was asleep, dozing in the infant swing beside us.

Before long, our sitter left to go home.

As Joe and I readied for bed, I picked up our infant daughter. She was 17 days old. We'd only learned of Jim's illness when we called to announce her arrival.

That's when life swept me off my feet.

One minute I was rejoicing in the miracl…

Thursday's Thoughts

Turn your ear, O Lord, and give answer
for I am poor and needy.
Preserve my life, for I am faithful,
save the servant who trusts in you.

Psalm 86:1-2

6 Things I Learned About God

This post refers to a story told in my Monday blogs. You can find Part I here, Part II here,
Part III here, Part IV here and Part V here.  Together they tell the story of one day in my life, one day that changed everything...and taught me these nuggets of truth: 

1.  God can work through anyone. God is God.  

I wasn't supposed to be with my brother the day he died. But a neighbor I barely knew knocked on my door that day, insisting I visit Jim, who was suffering from kidney failure.

Debbie only lived in my neighborhood a few months. Shortly after my brother's death, her family moved out-of-state, and we lost contact. However, it continues to amaze me how she was a key player in God's plan that day.

We don't need to know the plan. We can trust God to provide.

2. God is trying to reach you. He's trying to reach me. Don't miss the subtle invitation...

In one of my most fear-filled moments of Jim's illness, I walked past a priest in the crowded hospital lobby. His…

Part V - Who's Timing is That?

This is Part V of a day that forever changed my life. Come with me. Share the experience. See what you discover. 

You may click these links to access the preceding accounts:  Part I Who's That Knocking at My Door? Part II Who's That Ringing The Telephone? Part III Who's Controlling These Thoughts, Words and Actions and Part IV Who's Beside Me?

Although my brother was already pronounced dead, I couldn't believe the perfect timing of the nun's arrival. In that moment, I needed her.  Even as she entered his hospital room, her presence radiated unconditional love and supernatural peace.

She introduced herself and offered a listening ear. I told her how close Jim and I were.
I told her I'd just given birth three weeks ago when my husband called Jim to tell him the good news, and that's when Jim mentioned he wasn't feeling well.

I told her how Jim was then diagnosed with kidney failure and how, in the days that followed, he couldn't tolerate the dialysi…

Thursday's Thoughts

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you,
yes, I will help you, I will uphold you
with My righteous right hand.   

Isaiah 41:10

Here's A Song Just for You

Rough day today in this cancer battle.  I'm sinking. That's when I turn to music to do my praying for me.

Whenever I'm tempted to look down, I look up instead and gain strength to get me through the moment, the hour, the day.

I will forever praise God.

I hope this song blesses whatever challenge you may be facing.

Thanks for listening.

I Will Sing by Don Moen