Will God Bless Us...Every One?

I'm nearly through telling stories of the long trudge out of grief following my brother's death, but the postings wouldn't be complete without this story. These events took place early, within weeks of Jim's death, so it's a little out of sequence with my Monday posts. I apologize for that, but keep reading...I must share this with you.

It was a sunny spring day and I was home alone. Well, home alone with my infant. My brother had died suddenly several weeks earlier and my heart was a vast wasteland, tangled in a web of grief.

Around mid-morning, I found myself staring out the kitchen window, engulfed in that all-too-familiar gnawing, sinking, persistent, desolate feeling of grief. I saw nothing good in the day. I wanted out of that pain.

Desperate, I found myself reaching for a bottle of wine. I wanted to wash this pain away.

As I reached for the corkscrew, however, I came to my senses. It was 10:30 in the morning! What was wrong with me? What was I doing? Had I gone crazy? 

I slammed the cabinet shut, left the kitchen and headed into my bedroom, where my newborn was sleeping.

Suddenly, something snapped. I felt like I was being swamped by an emotional tidal wave.  I felt unsteady, and reached for the dresser to stable myself.

In that instant, my life flashed before my eyes.

It was like watching a short reel of all the decisions I'd made in life. While they seemed like good decisions at the time, my choices, now viewed from a different perspective, was like watching a horror film. 

I felt like Scrooge. In the popular book, A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is visited by the ghost of Christmases past, present and yet-to-come. In the harrowing experience, a horrified Scrooge is shown how his self-centered decisions destructed others.  

It was the same for me. It was like a ghost was showing me the decisions I'd made, and how they'd been filtered through a self-centered lens. It was horrifying! 

Then, just as quickly as the episode began, it ended, leaving me shaking.

Like Scrooge, I got the message: Like Scrooge, I needed to change. Like Scrooge, I took the hint.   

In all my life, thankfully, I've never had anything like this frightening episode happen again. Yet, looking back, I'd never eliminate the experience. And I couldn't leave it out of my story to you either. As my story unfolds, you'll see.  

God was just beginning to speak to me. And I was just beginning to listen.